I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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