i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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