if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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