I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
