How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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