Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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