So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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