do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
