dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
