Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
