The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
