dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
