She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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