I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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