I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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