everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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