shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
