I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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