Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
