I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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