Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
