He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
