Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
