Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
