The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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