Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I love you. Go after that dick
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
