one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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