You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
