i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
