Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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