a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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