I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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