Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
