My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
