Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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