I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
