Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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