remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
