I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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