i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
