update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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