I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
