Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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