dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
