The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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