I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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