his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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