Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
