I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
