actually, I'm a sock model
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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