i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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